Fifi La Belle - the waitress from hell

I've remembered why my previous waiting on experience only lasted one day. When 14 I wanted to have a weekend job for extra pocket money but certain jobs were unacceptable to my mother. Potato picking - which I was never terribly serious about anyway - was a no-no ... mum had picked a bucket or two of tatties when in the Land Army and she said it would be too hard work. Paper round - nah, too early and EVERY day. A job in a kiosk along the prom? Certainly NOT ... mum wasn't having HER daughter working on the prom ... interjection ... Mum sometimes had some strange little ideas - don't we all? - like, when aged 16 I dared to suggest I might use tampons instead of sanitary towels (pre wings, we're talking walking with a brick between yer legs), her reply was: "They're only used by married women and prostitutes." Go figure ..... So Mum arranged a little job for me, waitress in a fish and chip restaurant owned by someone with whom she was acquainted. The job seems easy enough, huh? You say hello to the people sat at the table, you write down what they want to eat, deliver it to table, take the plates away and take their money at the end and, if lucky, have a small tip. No probs. Firstly one had to learn how much butter to put on the sliced bread and to cut it in triangles, just two, then arrange them so they didn't dry out, waiting for the lunchtime rush. Taking the order, you actually have to be able to read what you've written and if you use some private sort of shorthand, be able to recall what it stands for and get each order correct! Then it was down to the kitchen and yell the order out at the top of your voice: Haddock, chips, mushy peas twice, fishcake beans and chips, etc. This was my stumbling block ... I'm just no good at shouting .. OK, I want no response to the contrary from my kids here .... I wasn't good at shouting THEN ... I only do it when I have to now! So like a little wallflower, I'd stand there until someone noticed me. However, the customers did get served and left a nice tip ... which when I left the table to be cleared for 5 mins while getting another order, had disappeared on my return ... and then when there was a tip there it had to go into a box for everyone to share. I suppose, in which case, it still means that the nicer to the customer I am, the more they'll tip? Tora did waiting on for a while, at breakfast in one of the lodge chains. Do you know how mean people are about tipping at breakfast? There's no less effort goes into serving the customers, the wait-persons (hah!) get up extra early to serve, too, but for some reason people just don't seem to think they should tip for breakfast service. Fifi la Belle? First night we'd been out, busy and I didn't even manage to get from my black woolly and trousers to Fifi's outfit!! I wrote the orders in triplicate and remembered to write the names on the tabs, forgot to serve from the right, just the nearest side I could get to ... couldn't get the till to open and one of the customers had to come show me how, which I promptly forgot ... Well, suffice to say I wasn't your normal waitress! I did get into my togs the next day, though, pelmet skirt and all ! Didn't get to serve more than breakfast to one table ... they had to depart to sort a domestic ... I wonder if I was the domestic problem??? Served dinner a second evening to the visiting American couple. Offered the dessert they'd chosen and then decided to add a little extra ... "Hmm, I know it's not cholesterolly correct ... but would you like extra thick double cream on that???" Yeah, course they did! I think they got their bottled water free each evening ... I certainly didn't charge for it, I wasn't going to fight with that bloody till again! The next day what had initially been described to me as "someone needs a packed lunch" and bless Ian, cos that's all he knew at the time ... turned into "cater for 50" eeeee-kkkk! Come to the conclusion that I'd rather be in the kitchen doing the cooking (NOT THE WASHING UP THO!) This time it was remembering what I'd written and who exactly the bill belonged to .. for when they came back and wanted something additionally. Then remembering how much the individual dishes were ...and we were only offering two or three, and then adding the totals. I don't 'do' adding - come to that, I don't seem to do remembering! I stopped adding the day I got a plastic card. I'm awfa good at signing my name though! Wester Ross Fisheries Trust Biologist, Peter Cunningham, right, about to lead a group of youngsters and parents around the shores of Loch Maree Hotel on an educational open day, supported by Scottish Natural Heritage, Fisheries Research Services Freshwater Laboratory, Centre for Ecology and Hydrology, and in the series of investigations to learn more about the distribution of fishes within Loch Maree, Highland Biodiversity Partnership, the Atlantic Salmon Trust, Loch Maree Hotel and artist Bill Woodrow. There were, on display, European eel, Arctic charr, minnows and an exercise in catching minnows, scale reading to age fish - not tell their fortune, trips out on a boat to fish among other adventures. An excited 5 year old staggering ashore with a bucket containing his fish shouted: "I'm only five and I caught this fish and my brother's 9 and he didn't!" Peter broadcasts on Two Loch Radio (I understand) and very kindly thanked us on Thursday morning for all assistance rendered. Unfortunately, at 7.30am I wasn't around to hear it!