A little story ....In '87, when Chas was 9 and Tora 12, it was the first era of AIDS awareness, when Claire Rayner appeared on TV showing how condoms should be used, rolling one down on her finger. Which I think, personally, would have been pretty ineffectual but she's the trained nurse, so who'm I to tell her how to blow eggs?
This was pretty scary stuff! It occurred to me, being the ever loving mummy that I didn't want my children to die because they just once might have not been careful because they were too embarrassed to use a condom. So I had a little mission!
I started buying condoms in all sizes, shapes and flavours, opened the packets and arrangement them daintily in a dish in the bathroom. I didn't say anything to them ... Just waiting until they noticed them and asked ... why??
At the same time my husband was being encouraged to move elsewhere in the country with his job and I have to confess I was a bit bolshy about that idea since the kids were settled in schools and I had a nice part time job with a very accommodating boss who called me 'Mrs Coates Darling' - he wouldn't use my first name, oddly enough, since he said it inferred a degree of intimacy!! Go figure.
However, I knew I was on a losing streak and the estate agent was invited to call to assess the property. The bathroom was the first room in the house, so naturally that's where he started. He was in and out of there sooo fast and around the rest of the house like a shot!
Recalling this event to my friend whom I was giving a lift home from school, with Chas and her daughter in t'back of car, I laughed telling her I reckon the guy had seen the condom pot and decided he didn't dare stay alone with me for more than five minutes!
Having dropped Ann off, Chas said 'Condoms? What condoms?' Back in the house he locked himself in the bathroom for 10 mins and when he'd gone upstairs to play with his lego I peeked in there and where I'd fanned the condoms out to display, they were now jumbled. I thought 'the talk' was upcoming!
That evening Tora said 'We've got condoms in the bathroom' .. made it sound like I should get an exterminator in!
'Yes,' I said, matter of factly. 'Want to see one?'
So the three of us sat on the carpet in the sitting room and did the condom talk. I told them about the bad people in the world and how they should never ever be afraid to tell me if they were approached, or were frightened, that they were good children and no one should tell them otherwise or that they were not to say anything to anyone. They sat there, cross-legged, taking it all in. Then came the fun part. Can we see one? Sure!!!
Breezily opening one .... Hell, it was the first time I'd ever done this or seen one so it was pretty interesting stuff for me, too, at 36!!
I did the Claire Rayner thing while they curled up with laughter, then Chas opened another one and blew it up like a balloon and it was sailing around the room!
Talk done.
Couple of days later I noticed the display had been disturbed and even a cursory glance revealed that two black condoms had gone missing.
Oh hell, Chas!
Wondered what he might have done with them ... Couldn't have been Victoria, she's too sensible.
Then I got to worrying he might have taken them to school and not all parents are as far sighted as I, so I phoned his teacher.
"Hello Mr Jarvis! Have you found any black condoms in the playground?"
"Just a minute Mrs Coates, I need a chair to sit down."
I explained I'd had the talk with the kids and thought that if they found black condoms in the playground just to put it down to Chas and not to worry about it.
"You do lead an exciting life, Mrs Coates. I'm so glad you're moving house, I don't think I could look you in the face again without blushing."
Wha???
Found the condoms .... He'd made wellingtons for his teddy bear!
Well, doesn't everyone?
